"Do you have any idea how exhausting this is?" - As Good As It Gets

Here I am, fighting depression again. I'm clearly entering a depressive episode, though of the lower case variety. It made it different to watch this movie (As Good As It Gets). While the love story, the young coming to terms with his life, and the older man bettering himself, are all good... For me, tonight, it was a movie about a mentally ill person making his way in society. How do we make it? Are we able hold it together enough to interact with society? At one point, the OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) gentleman is having dinner with the woman of his dreams. There is a lull in the conversation, and he lowers his head into his hand and says, "Do you have any idea how exhausting this is?" That's the moment of the movie for me tonight.

I go around living my life, trying to work a couple hours a week, and I just feel like saying to people. "Do you have any idea how exhausting this is?" I tutor math, which is something I love, and something I'm good at. That's not hard part.. the hard part is just showing up. Behaving in a manner that's appropriate in front of all those people (my coworkers and students). To be "on", to be on guard, to interact, to act normal. It IS exhausting... and today it's too much.

So I take the day off. I take my meds, eat good food, use the light box to combat the dark, doing all the right things, and still I'm losing the battle. And I know I'm a chemical creature, and that this is going to happen to me... but it's frustrating and I'm exhausted.